The Power of (Ridiculous) Generosity
Generosity is the foundational principle of spiritual intimacy and yet, the predominant problem in relationships today is the pernicious and often self-justified lack of unconditional giving. Most couples I see are downright stingy. We are stingy with our adoration, our praise, the perfect sexual gifting, our attention, our truths, our vulnerabilities, and most importantly, our worship. It is easy for us to open and love when our partners are pleasing; when they are giving us what we think we want. But true spiritual practice requires us to love when there is no guarantee of reciprocity, to trust when we are scared shitless to reveal our tender heart, and to lead when we are exhausted and disheartened.
This is not a new spiritual axiom.
Traditions throughout the East and West extol the virtues of loving unconditionally; of turning the other cheek, of giving through our pain. There is no growth and nothing sublime in the “I’ll do for you if you do for me” model of sex and love. I imagine that even as you’re reading this, you are likely already formulating your completely valid reasons as to why you can’t be more generous, more creative, more energetic, and more committed to your partner. Even more likely, you are waiting for him or her to prove they are worth all you have to offer before you freely give to them.
The most common justifications I hear are:
Lack of energy; “I am too tired/stressed.”
The others’ perceived disinterest; “He isn’t present” or “She doesn’t appreciate my efforts.”
Perceived rejection; “I have tried, but he/she pushes my love away.”
Busy-ness; “Work is so crazy right now.”
Not knowing what he/she really wants; “They won’t tell me what they need.”
and the most insidious one of all…
He/she doesn’t reciprocate; “Am I just supposed to give and give and get nothing back?”
The last one is particularly pungent. This is a story that we can tell ourselves and further reinforce by getting agreement from our friends about how we are being taken advantage of, used, and neglected. As these excuses for stinginess become more and more common and, over time, more and more reinforced, breaking them down becomes incredibly difficult — no matter how your relationship grows and changes.
Over time, these justifications shift, become more nuanced, the rationalizations more detailed, each form-fitted to either person’s busy and often overwhelming life. Though they might sound different, they are in fact all the same. Each one is a closure in our hearts, a denial of our true essences, and a habitual choice to focus on what we don’t have or what we don’t want. Each one is another letter in the tangled, karmic story of our love life.
So how can we change the karmic/epigenetic cycle of our lifetime, if not possibly our lineage?
Without an energetic and action-oriented approach to love, we can not overcome the momentum of our childhood programming, family history, cultural pressures, and genetic imprinting — not to mention an adult lifetime of justified withholdings, closures, and blaming. The tentacles of our trauma and our reasonings why it is not safe to give without conditions are, sometimes, just too powerful.
The benefit of being proactive in giving your love far outweighs any self-concocted reason or excuse to hold back. In the absence of this generosity, you will never evoke more love from your partners, you will not heal your own heart, you will not magnetize the lover you desire, and you certainly will not create the sexual artistry you crave. You definitely will not solve any relational challenge by complaining, withholding, or waiting to give more of yourself.
Now the impulse for these behaviors is probably not your fault. If you are like most of us, you didn’t have someone modeling this kind of unconditional love and generosity for you. Your parents probably didn’t have it modeled for them either. There is no need, nor is there ever room, for shame or blame, as almost all of us have been taught, unwittingly, the exact opposite of what we needed to know to create incredibly deep and satisfying love connections.
That said, it is still 100% your responsibility the moment you complete this sentence to change your narrative and, consequently, your actions. The only self-professed model of relationship that truly evokes magic, that will ripple into the world as a healing force, and, as my teacher used to say, make the Gods smile is:
“I am taking 100% responsibility for creating, sustaining, and celebrating the deepest possible art between us. I am taking complete responsibility for healing my beloved’s heart. I am a force of love so strong that I will bring them to tears with gratitude. I am uncompromisingly committed to rocking their world sexually. I am committed to a relationship dynamic of passion, devotion, and worship.”
Above being right.
Above numbing out to comfort.
Above my own preferences.
That is the intentionality needed to create a sacred and inspiring love affair.
The rewards of taking this stand are life-changing. You will consistently surprise yourself with the creativity, warmth, and generosity you are capable of sustaining. Your self-esteem will swell as no one benefits like the person who gives without expectation. In so doing, you will evoke the very best your partner has to offer in every moment. You will live in the remarkable experience of loving and opening through every rationale you may feel as to why you shouldn’t—and then you will be proud of it. Your sex will be deepened and energized. You will find that your long-held resentments begin to melt away in the sunlight of your own tenderness. Though it will not be the reason for your generosity, you will naturally inspire your partner to give you their best as well. In this way, you will gain clarity as to whether or not you are in the right relationship, as your lover will either rise to meet you over time or he/she will be compelled to leave.
Or you will, knowing you truly brought your best.