What is Really Going on When Somebody Ghosts You?

“I don’t get it.  Why did she ghost me?"

Men and women will often come to me and ask, in hundreds of various ways, "Why wasn’t he interested?" This could be: "Why wasn’t she inspired for a second date?" "Why did she all of a sudden go cold after 6 months?" "How come my husband has become nasty and uninterested in me sexually? He used to love to hang out; now he only wants to work." The length and form of the relationship is less important than the actual texture of the problem. They are not lit up to be around you.  They are either distant or downright avoiding you. What happened? It seemed like there were more than a few moments where they were interested, and maybe even excited about pursuing something meaningful with you! Or if the relationship has been going on for a while, months or years, you might think, "We had so many seemingly beautiful moments. WTF happened?”

If you were pursuing someone with a feminine essence and their heart is closed to you, there is one fundamental reason: She doesn’t trust you to lead her into the place of her heart she has been longing to go.  This is the place she can’t lead herself. It is a place where she can reveal it all - from the successful mogul or artist, to the innocent girl, to the devotional Goddess. It is a  place she may even be afraid of. Her pain lives there; her insecurities as well. But it is also the place of her most dark and intimate desires; the fantasies she doesn’t fully acknowledge, the yearning to be fully claimed by a conscious presence she trusts, and to be fully seen as the love she is.  The only reason a healthy, independent woman is interested in you as a romantic partner at all is because she is hoping you can help her have a bigger experience of this place in her through her body, with the utmost integrity and depth.

That is why she went on a date with you.  Maybe on the surface it was about partnership or sex or just having a good time.  But underneath, she wants to experience the bliss of being seen and felt completely by the embodiment of conscious love.  My teacher, David Deida, beautifully describes the intricacies and depth of this yearning in a number of his books, most famously, Dear Lover.  Poets, songwriters and great authors have written about the primal dance of this polarity for millennia. Religion and the rigors of modern living may have twisted and dampened it over the centuries, but the arc of desire still burns deep in our hearts. This yearning for sacred union is a unique part of our humanity that cannot be extinguished. This is why we are alive. And the more identified with this desire we are, the more we are in our feminine; man or woman. So when a feminine partner loses interest in you, it is not a question of the details; they are but ripples on the surface of a more profound truth. It is because she lost trust in your ability to take her to this ancient and sacred place deep in her soul.

Somewhere along the line, you may have lost your nerve with her and been obsequious or obliging. You may have kept the date conversation light and polite. Perhaps you spent most of the time talking about your career and other things you thought might impress her. You may have assumed your physicality or looks would do the trick.  You may have settled for ten minute sex, when she was dying to be ravished and taken someplace for hours. There are a million different reasons a woman decides you are not the one and a million different ways a masculine partner can lose the trust of a woman he loves.  But the primary issue is the same. She has a place that she intuits is possible and you are not the man to get her there. That is why she ghosted you. The modern woman is looking for an artistry and consciousness not often seen in the "swipe left" culture of modern dating. This is the work for men: to cultivate an awareness, boldness and commitment to take her someplace deeper than the surface of this present moment.

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If your love interest is more of a masculine identified human, then what he is longing for is to be nourished and enlivened by your energy. Most men (and many women as well) are walking around in a state of overwhelm and burden. There is so much to do. There is a never ending list of responsibilities, or there is the pressure to create something unique in the world.  This shows up in the masculine body and nervous system as a feeling of being trapped, burdened, and often overwhelmed by fears of success and failure. One of the great joys for a masculine being on a mission is to have this burden lifted, even temporarily, with myriad flavors of love through the feminine body.  It is often a surprise to women how powerful this is. And the more conscious and directed his life is, the more he will want to feel a responsive and agile energetic body. He is craving a full range of energies—nature and the cosmos as they are expressed through your body. He is wanting your Queen, your Sorceress, your Innocent, your Flirt, your Darkness - all of it.  He does not want to settle for the one or two habitual textures of you that you have gotten comfortable showing the world, but the vulnerable tender and truly unique pieces. As my teacher would say, “He is wanting the feel the nature of all existence through you.”

He will also want to feel that you want and can allow him to give you the parts of him that he considers his gifts. If he is truly masculine identified, he will naturally want to lead the intimacy to a place of depth. This may show up in planning a specific kind of date or experience together.  It may show up in practice he feels will create more connection or spark. He will want this not as a way to dominate, but a way to serve and create the most beautiful experience possible for you two.  Men love to know they are winning in intimacy. That usually looks like he is making you happy and taking you someplace powerful and profound—especially sexually. He would love for you to trust him. He would want to feel the place in you that needs him, or even better, is dying to give your heart and body to a man of substance. He literally wants to feel this in you. Most women I work with are afraid to relax their hard won, and often very impressive, self sufficiency enough to let a partner feel this very tender and juicy spot in them. It is terrifying. And yet, it is THE key to igniting a strong interest in him.

So if your time together is spent on shallow discussions about work or life pursuits, without a real translucence to your heart, he will be bored.  He went on a date with you to remember that love is why he is alive. He may think it’s about sex, play or fun. But every truly masculine essence wants to swim in the pools of love, first and foremost. It is his greatest joy. Success is fleeting. Play only distracts for so long. Deep inside him is the desire to feel it ALL through your heart and body. Yes, even the rageful, dark and heartbroken parts. Not as a complaint, but as a gift of revealing.  

And so the next time you are with a masculine being you want to truly inspire, ask yourself: How responsive am I being? How open? How deep am I letting him feel me? Am I keeping it light and polite? Am I expecting my looks to do the trick? Am I trying to only impress him with my intellect or is there a juicier part of me that I can show, even if just a little? As an experiment, try to give to a little more love energy—whatever that may look like in the moment, and notice, does he smile, relax, move closer or light up? This is an art and a science. But it is your art. Trust love and go for it. And when you find a man who truly responds to your unique offering, you will know he is a man worth keeping.