Protect Intimacy by Being Meticulous with Your Energy Around Others
One of the silent killers of devotional and inspired intimacy is the leakage of energy outside the container of the relationship. To truly understand how damaging this can be, let’s start with this assumption: our lovers feel everything we do. Maybe not enough to know exactly what you said to your best friend over lunch or to that acquaintance in a social media message, but they feel more than most people comprehend. They feel the leakage of energy. Everything we do—and I do mean everything—creates a ripple of energy that our intimate partners can feel. It will impact their nervous system. It will either open and relax them or cause closure and tension. Often in ways that are subtle and never fully recognized. Other times, the effects are felt profoundly. Put simply, if you expect your secret porn habit or the flirty relationship you are cultivating with a colleague to not affect the level of devotion, worship, and trust you desire in your relationship; you are in denial.
There are three ways we habitually and unconsciously erode devotion and all of them stem from not being meticulous in our energy around others outside of our relationship.
The first is sharing sexual energy or creating intrigue with others. Examples of this would be flirting, sexual innuendo, or cultivating unspoken possibilities with a so-called friend. You’ll recognize them by how easy it feels to simply dismiss the interaction as innocent flirting or banter. In these instances, the leakage of sexual energy is not even recognized. You’ll know you’ve found yourself here when you hear any of the following justifications:
“I am not going to sleep with him or her, so it’s harmless.”
“I am not getting what I want from my partner, so a little playful banter or flirting is my way of having something for myself.”
“If my partner weren’t so [insert complaint] I wouldn’t need to do this.”
In the worst cases, people will seek intrigue with others as an exit strategy should their current relationship flounder. It is more prevalent than most people would like to admit, especially among women. But more often than not, it occurs as a social media crush, secret DMs or private messages, or a lunch you don’t tell your partner about. Leakage can even be as subtle as eye contact with another at the gym.
This type of intrigue can arise as porn addiction and, while not exactly the same, it is an extreme way masculine partners will leak sexual energy. Given the most recent statistics of porn use and addiction we now know that over 80% of men use porn daily and the results are incredibly destructive. Even if the use is well-hidden and men still show up for sex with their partners regularly, the literal energy spillage cannot help but be felt whether as a perceived lack of desire or a general numbness around sex. Sometimes it takes over the sexuality leading to incredible bitterness and blame, or is felt by the feminine partner as a lack of being fully heart-claimed. Either way, this form of leakage can and will destroy relationships and lead to massive amounts of shame, particularly for men.
The crucial understanding here is that the lack of devotion or respect we display outside of the relationship will absolutely be felt. Shamanic traditions of the Toltecs, made famous in the works of Carlos Casteneda, talk about meticulousness and intention as tools of magic. If we are to create magic or power around anything in our lives, having meticulous intention and practice around it is imperative. Meticulousness in love creates an aura of devotion, respect, and fills and nourishes lovers. Conversely, any lack of it creates disconnection, confusion, and subtle pains. It occurs to us as a sense of disease, distrust, and hesitancy around our partners. We may not even know why. Something just doesn’t feel right. We may be angry with our partners for no good reason or feel melancholy and not know why. Yet, once we begin to pay attention, it will become obvious how the leaks in our sexual energy and respect for our partners show up in the relating itself. It can’t help but do so; we live in a causal universe. Everything we think, do, and say creates an effect. Habitual behaviors impact our realities and, over time, open us up to new possibilities of depth… or close us down.
The second way I have seen lovers destroy devotion in their relationships is by talking negatively about their partners to others. I am not talking about asking for advice, airing frustrations, or seeking comfort from a friend. I mean the complaining, deriding, and shittalking. I am talking about the way we paint our partners to others in both subtle and not so subtle language. Few of us understand the way this tears at the fabric of trust and love required for true healing and depth. Language is incredibly powerful and generative; it has the power to create how you view your partners and the world. Every time you complain about your partner’s laziness, neurosis, or sexual and emotional issues to others, unless you have been given permission to do so, you dishonor them. And they can feel it. It will show up in the bodies as lowkey embarrassment, shame, negative self-image, and resentment or feelings of discomfort. It might even be creating the a source of great conflict in your relating.
It is important to note that these things ring true no matter what form your relating takes; beit monogamous with a man or woman; polyamorous with multiple partners; two men and a woman, one trans partner, one straight man and a lesbian woman, or two women, a man and a very special llama. It doesn’t matter the configuration, the various preferences, nor the number of partners. What matters is that you are consciously cultivating meticulousness in devotion through honoring your partners when you are not with them. Period.
A standard that I suggest is this and you may already be familiar:
Do unto others as you would want them to do to you.
At various moments throughout your day, imagine your partner is there in the room. Would they be comfortable with the level of energetic exchange? The flirting? The quality of discussion you are having with another? If your partner went through your phone and read the text messages or emails between you and another, would it break their heart? Cause their stomachs to sink? Would they feel proud? Would they be elated? Would they feel honored, especially if they, or you two, have been struggling? Or would they be jealous, annoyed, or disappointed? Whatever you think they would feel, know that it is, even now, accumulating in their body-minds and over time, it is either going to draw them towards you or repel them. It will either lift them up powerfully or cut them down with just as much strength. If you are looking to create power and magic in your relationship then your container, intention, and language must be meticulously loving, care-filled, and devotional. Only then, will you enjoy true devotion and mutual worship.