How Men Can Powerfully Lead in a Post-Feminist Climate
In this video from the November 2018 Art of Fearless Intimacy intensive in Santa Monica, John and Kendra address two topics in the modern relational climate that often challenge and neutralize a polarized dynamic: feminism and consent.
Although a man may claim that his feminist beliefs hold him back from leading his relationship powerfully, it is likely his nervous system, not his belief system, that stops him from taking the lead.
From Kendra’s strident feminist perspective: the next wave of feminism is calling for honoring the feminine in a woman in such a way that it is as valuable as the masculine.
The feminine can feel when the masculine’s emotions and actions are incongruent - i.e. if he is leading her while holding onto unexpressed fear of doing it wrong or causing harm - and that translates to her as untrustable.
Owning your fear in two sentences such as, “I’m afraid of leading you because I was told it was wrong, but I don’t want you to have to worry about a thing, so I’m going to pick the restaurant and plan our night. Does that feel okay to you?” and then letting her respond can be a powerful way to lead her because you are making art of what is true.
The more story you go into, the more disconnected the moment gets.
Most men avoid taking the lead or being bold because it was discouraged or punished in their childhood. For example, a man might disown his inner Warrior and the part of him that might ravish his feminine partner because his father was abusive, or because nobody taught him what a healthy warrior looked like.
It is important to be aware of if you are asking for consent in order to abdicate the responsibility of feeling her.
Rather than asking for consent every step of the way, between the consent you already received and the next big move - i.e. between the consent she gave you to take her on a date and the next step of initiating physical contact - you can practice feeling what she is a yes to and trusting that she’ll communicate if she’s a No, verbally or non-verbally. This approach takes courage.
Most women prefer that a man feel their No, rather than having to speak it because they come from lineages of women who were punished, banished and murdered for saying No. Therefore, men must learn to awaken and develop their feeling body in order to become hyper sensitive to the cues from a woman’s body.