You Cannot Tussle While You're Butt Hurt


In this video from the May 2019 Embodied Men's Leadership Intensive in Mount Shasta, John describes ways in which you can open a moment and lead your relationship when your feelings are hurt.

You'll learn:

  • Lean in when your partner breaks your heart, as a way of owning, acknowledging and letting them know they are hurting you. For example, the word "Ouch," stated without collapse is a "magic potion," as John describes it.

  • Leaning in doesn't mean you have to ‘take it.’ It also doesn't mean you have to explode on them. There is a middle ground: artistic practice.

  • Develop the capacity to bring artful response into the moments when your feelings are hurt while keeping your heart open and revealing your truth. Play with it. For example, clasp your hands to your heart, moan teasingly, and say, "Oh baby, don't stab the one who loves you." If your feminine partner smiles or relaxes, then you know you’re on the right track.

  • Then clearly delineate and outline for your partner what will happen next. You could also simply ask, “Do you need my help?"

  • If your partner's heart remains closed and tight, rather than continue to let them hurt you, you could say, "I gave it my best shot to try and relax you, and I'm not going to be your punching bag here. I'm going to sleep in the spare room tonight, so you can have some space around this, and then we'll talk about it in the morning." Without punishment, outline a plan that serves both of you.

We all get 'butt hurt' and it's really hard to lead with clarity and meticulousness from that place. You have to be emotionally aware, feeling time and space, feeling both of your hearts, and constantly checking in with what will be the next best move to make. While difficult, your commitment to this, rather than lashing out or fighting back in the moment, will ultimately serve deeper love.