Transmuting Complaint into Sacred Love
In this video from the 2020 Depth & Devotion Program, a 90-day virtual experience in the Art of Sacred Intimacy, John describes a framework for relating that he cultivated with Kendra Cunov based on the 3 Stages of Relating created by David Deida.
You’ll learn:
There is a Selfish approach, a Healthy approach, and a Sacred approach to relating.
Behind all of these is the impulse of desire.
When we want (or don’t want) to get, experience, have, or receive something from our partners and the world, we’re coming at it from a place of Selfishness, or emanating from a place of Self and self-gratification. This is natural.
Behind this is a desire: to be ravished, honored, worshipped, filled with love, seen and known deeply, etc. A common example of a desire for the Feminine in all of us is, “I want your attention.” There is nothing wrong with this, but it is a self-centered desire. And a common example for the Masculine is, “I want you to trust me.”
Our normal response to not getting what we want is complaint. We all do it, but it’s important that we bring awareness to it.
A complaint is actually our way of trying to quench a desire that is not being met.
By becoming aware of this, the next time our partner complains, we can acknowledge, “Oh, they must have a desire that I’m not meeting,” and begin to explore what that underlying desire might be, rather than call them a nag or become defensive in response.
Once we move into Healthy relating, we can have a talk or dialogue about our needs. For example, we might say to our partners, “I need you to pay attention to me,” or “I need you to trust me.”
In Healthy relating, there’s reciprocity, resonance, authenticity, and an honoring of each other’s needs—Here’s what I need. What do you need?
In Sacred relating, it’s not only about our desires, but it’s the Divine’s desire, which is more mystic. For example, the Feminine desire for attention is linked to the Divine’s desire for more love in the moment. The Masculine desire for respect or to be trusted is linked to the Divine’s desire for more depth in the moment. It is no longer about what we want, but what love wants and what will serve love in the moment.
As we grow as practitioners, we move from complaining (“You’re not paying enough attention to me”), to dialoguing (“I need attention. What do you need?”), to serving love (“My heart is yearning for attention. What can I do in this moment that will be an expression of that truth that will serve myself, my partner, and the moment?”).
For example, if your partner is on their phone, the Selfish expression might be, “You’re always on your phone when we finally get alone time together!” the Healthy expression might be, “It hurts my feelings when you’re on your phone when we’re alone together. Is there a way for us to work this out, so that you get phone time and I get quality time with you?” and the Sacred desire for love’s full expression could look thousands of ways, like you taking their phone and putting it down your shirt, making out with the phone, etc. It is an artful expression that frees you, elevates your partner, and creates more love in the moment.
Diving into this practice will deepen how you relate, express what you want, and serve love in the moment.