5 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship Habits

In this video from the August 2019 Embodied Men’s Leadership Training & Embodied Women’s Relationship Immersion combined program intensive in Santa Monica, John describes the arc of transformation that is possible through embodied yogic practice.

There are 5 steps to transforming your relationship habits:

Step 1: Recognize the reality you’ve created.

For example: “Men are…”, “My relationship is…”, “Love is…” You also create a reality through your habitual reaction to things that upset you in relationship (i.e. They criticize you and you defend yourself.) Through actions, habits, language, etc., you create a way of being in relationship, with your partner and in the world. In this first step, you own that reality you have created.

Step 2: Recognize that there is an entire realm of other possibilities available to you.

You may not know what other possibilities exist, so it may take speaking with a coach or friend to help you become aware of what possibilities may be available to you.

Step 3: Practice playing with these new possibilities in your relationship to the extent that they get installed into your nervous system.

For example: You could step in, look your partner in the eyes, smile and wrap your arm around their low back as you say, “I love it when you criticize me. Tell me I’m a lazy fucker again!” You could throw them over your shoulder and spank them. You could do an “I’m an asshole” dance. You could do a freestyle rap on how you forgot to take the trash out again. You could fall to your knees and wail. You could give them a little smack or a pinch. You could even shake your ass at them and say, “You’re not getting any of this unless you take out the garbage.”

Step 4: Pay attention to how your partner responds to you.

What happens when you embody this new expression? Do they smile and giggle?

Step 5: Continue to boldly create new possibilities.

This practice can be repeated, so try new responses to similar stimuli.

Until you are willing to recognize the reality you have created and explore & practice new possibilities, you will continue to act habitually and play out your relationship karma. Most people get stuck in the first 3 steps. They believe that changing some aspect of the relationship itself will alter the reality they created (i.e. getting married, having kids, finding a new partner, etc.), but true transformation begins once you shift your reality through your own practice.