Healing and Resetting Unhealthy and/or Toxic Relationships

I wrote this piece about how to reconcile unhealthy relationships with a focus on the Masculine partner in an intimate relationship dynamic. It's impossible to separate what's happening culturally today with what's happening in intimacy, so I invite you to use the framework I lay out here as a metaphor for what we need to do on a global level today.

In order for an unhealthy or toxic relationship to be healed, the partner in the most power, the one leading the direction of the relationship, or the one who should be leading, has to recognize that there has been injury and take the initiative to reconcile the harm that has been done. This is not because they are better, smarter or more capable. It is simply because they find themselves with the moral responsibility of creating healing. So as a White man, I have to be the one to take that lead. And I'm calling all of my White brothers, who have it in their hearts, to do the same. We have created a culture of harm, injury, abuse and murder—mainly by turning away, ignoring and refusing to take a strong stand against racism and police brutality. Now it's up to us to take responsibility for its healing, reconciliation, and growth; and to co-create a new direction.

Take Full Responsibility for the Culture You Have Created

This is an area where many men get stuck. It takes tremendous courage, depth and insight; as well as ruthless honesty to look at where you have been neglectful, unconscious, selfish, stingy and maybe even downright abusive. Most will not have the constitution to truly look at how they have created, or at the very least, allowed an unhealthy culture to take hold in their love dynamics. It requires the skill of being able to hold to a firm truth in the face of resistance—without closing—that most have not cultivated. As a result, most men will either push too hard and try to impose their will by blaming, shaming, or dominating their partners; or they will quietly ignore the most important issues of the relationship and turn their attention elsewhere, where they are more apt to win. But eventually the dysfunction will get revealed and often by that time, the partners no longer see each other as healing lovers, but more like angry combatants. 

These types of ecosystems often take time to develop and can happen insidiously over years, maybe even decades. For example, you may have allowed you and your partner to co-create a culture of complaint, as opposed to a culture of request, as the predominant texture in your relationship. Rather than have agreements and structures that honor each other with heartfelt and sincere requests, you complain at one another for the needs that are not getting met. 

Maybe you have turned a blind eye as both of you embody the shape and transmissions of these complaints and wonder why you are not sexually attracted to each other. Maybe your fights now turn abusive, both verbally and emotionally, and maybe even physically. Maybe your complaints become cruel character assassinations. Maybe you blame her and vice versa for what has developed.

There are, of course, multiple other examples of relationship cultures; such as cultures of avoidance, spiritual by-passing, emotional dishonesty, etc. What is important is that you bring a sharp awareness and honesty to what you have allowed to take root in your home. Is it the most loving? Is it the most artful expression of who you both are? You are free to choose what you value most and prioritize it. The problem is that many men unconsciously allow that which is not aligned with their highest values to dictate the tenor and direction of the relationship. And then they wonder why they are dissatisfied, numb and often hopeless.  

Whatever the dysfunction, you, the Masculine partner, must take full responsibility. And this is just as true if the woman is the predominant Masculine in the relationship. Not because your partner doesn’t have a part, but because change will really only happen when you model how to take a completely different stance in the dynamic. You allowed this to happen. She is the mother of your children and you don’t honor her heart’s deepest desires. She loves you and wants the best from you, and you treat her like a nag.  It’s a tough exercise, but it is the surest way to completely reset a relationship and develop a fresh new culture of love, respect, mutual worship and sexual gifting. Feel the difference between, “This isn’t working; all we do is fight and complain,” and, “I am sorry, my love. I have allowed us to get into the habit of complaining and blaming each other for way too long. This is how I have let us down (Then, of course, list what you have discovered after heartfelt, ruthless reflection, ideally involving men you trust.)  This has to stop. And here is my plan for us.” Totally different, yes?  

Here is the basic structure I have developed to help reset and guide a relationship out of a toxic culture and into a dynamic of healing and love. You can, of course, amend it to fit your situation. But as a tested framework, it works quite well.

1.

Whoever is the predominant Masculine energy in the relationship must take a ruthless and fearless appraisal as to how they have allowed the relationship to devolve into an unhealthy and possibly even abusive relationship. If you are reading this blog, chances are that is you. 

Have you let your sexual connection wither? Have you allowed the way you speak to one another be filled with contempt, rather than respect? Have you created structures that nourish the relationship or have you been lazy? Have you been selfish? Have you allowed her to be selfish and stayed silent, so as to not rock the boat? Do you really listen to each other and honor one another’s experiences and feedback? Or do you make each other's feelings, beliefs and emotional experiences wrong? Have you taken for granted or rejected each other’s innate masculine and feminine gifts? Do you criticize or hold grudges? Or worse, have you let violence or abuse creep in? Do you each have space and time to get nourished, separately and together? All of these questions and more have to be viewed through the lens of what you have not made a true stance to own and change. 

This is best done with other men who will shine a different light on your dynamic and hold you accountable for the areas  you have been unconsciously allowing your relationship to drift. You can also pick up some books on what it looks like to be the Masculine in your relationship, many of them mentioned here, and compare your leadership to what is espoused in those books.  

2.

Have a conversion, or series of conversations, in which you own what you have let take hold in the relationship.   

Leading from this place means you will keep the focus on your behavior. Highlight your selfishness, laziness, numbness, and lack of consciousness; illuminating the ways you have allowed love to devolve into contempt, apathy, neglect or abuse. You MUST make this about you taking full responsibility. Even if your partner’s behavior hasn’t been stellar. You allowed the conditions for that behavior to fester due to your inaction, fear or lethargy and must come at it from that angle. For example, “I have allowed you to say unkind things about me in front of the children. I should have made a stand long ago and that is on me.” Feel the difference from the above and, “You belittle and degrade me in front of the children.”  

This is a conversation that models what it means to take complete responsibility, from pristine awareness. It is about you bringing a clarifying consciousness to what has really happened to cause disconnection and unhappiness. You might not be completely spot on, and will likely still contain some of the unprocessed wounds of your childhood, but your sincere efforts will inspire trust, empathy and quite often, her own self reflection.

You will need to be clear on where you may have sacrificed your most sacred values or Terms in the relationship. Is a core value of yours that you have a passionate and connected sex life? Do not criticize or curse at each other? Don’t make each other wrong? Are completely honest about resentments and desires?  

If you allow your deepest relationship values to be compromised or neglected, whose fault is that? Take clear responsibility for not only allowing these values to become dis-avowed, but also likely blaming her for it. I see this in many men who suffer from what Dr. Robert Glover would call, “The Nice Guy Syndrome.” Nobody wins from you withholding your deepest truths and allowing your most sacred values to be compromised.  

Finally, this conversation needs to be filled with empathy. What has it been like for her?  Deeply feel the impact of your behaviors, habits and numbness. How has her health, happiness, and emotional well being suffered as a result of your unconsciousness? Be specific. Be thorough. Have the guts to look at this and own how your behavior, or most likely your unconsciousness, has caused pain. Even despair or hopelessness.   

A typical example I have seen is the unconscious use of porn. Rather than create a nourishing sex life with their partners, communicating and leading their partners to gift the kind of sexual energy they long to receive, men have turned to the fantasy, numbness, and distraction and expediency available virtually. Rather than become truly committed practitioners of sexual intimacy, they have opted for quick stress release.   

A man taking this inventory and approach will be able to feel into what it must be like for a love-driven being. How deeply has this pain penetrated her heart?   How might she be turning your habit into a belief about herself?  Does she feel unattractive, hopeless, abandoned?  If you brought your open heart and pristine awareness to the full impact of this behavior it would break your heart.  Do it anyway.  And then let her feel your new brokenhearted fierce determination to give more.

Scan your relationship for any places you know you have brought less than your deepest intention for love. Feel into where she has been exhausted, felt dropped, unseen and unsupported. This is not about blaming or shaming yourself.  It is a warrior’s reflection of personal integrity.  It will evoke a trust and devotion in her you may never have experienced. A much different endeavor.  

For her to completely trust you, this cannot simply be a blanket apology.  It is a stand for love from the most powerful space of your heart.  It is also a magnificent opportunity for you to show her that you truly understand and feel what her feminine experience must have been like all of these months or years. That is a legitimately healing experience for a love-driven being — to be seen and known fully is at the core of the feminine heart’s desires.  

Finally, let her know you have come up with a plan, or will have one shortly, on how to change this dynamic so that love, respect, worship and generosity (or whatever values are most called for) become the predominant traits of your experience together. You can share the broad strokes in this conversation, but it is often best to have another conversation using the structure I laid out below. 

3.

Create a plan to transform your relationship culture and powerfully communicate that to her.

Now that you have re-established a deeper trust and shown incredible capacity as a man who can be completely trusted, you have an opportunity to to craft a new direction for you both.   

Please don't take this lightly.  

You literally can step up and change the relationship karmas (aka the destinies) of all involved, including your children.   

What will you have to prioritize so that you can have a different experience together?  Will you do couple’s therapy or take a workshop together to deepen your sexual intimacy?  Will you join men’s and women’s groups separately? Should one of you address an underlying issue—perhaps anger or trauma—separately in therapy? Do you need to sell your business and travel the world? Do you need to hire a nanny? Do you need to lose weight together? Do you each need more space apart — separate rooms for your personal practices?  

Whatever the direction, come up with a well thought out plan. And say something like, “Here is what I want for us, my love. How does this feel to you?”

And then listen. Watch her body. Does it relax? Or tense? Does she take a breath or stop breathing? Pay attention to her nervous system.  

She may say, “I love this part, but not quite this.” Take all of her feedback of your leadership not as a criticism, but as an expression of her heart’s yearning for love. And then adjust and update your plan accordingly.   

This may take a few rounds of offering your vision and then getting her feedback.  But, at the end, you will have co-created a beautiful path forward with you taking the lead.  This is one of the most important things a feminine being wants — to be led deeper into the experience of love.    

There will, of course, be unconscious resistance from both of you. There will be life shit that stalls or waylays your plan.  This is normal. Stay the course and adjust as obstacles arise. You are like a sailor traveling from Los Angeles to New Zealand. Storms may come and knock you off-course.  You tack back, sensitively adjusting to the weather while enjoying the beauty of the journey. After all, getting to New Zealand is great. But the journey will be what you remember forever.  

This practice, fully taken, has immense power to change the destiny and direction of any relationship.  I have seen it work with families, companies and lovers. Any relationship that has been unhealthy or toxic can be healed if the Masculine is willing to deeply reflect, change and lead.