Two Habits in Relationship That Create Disconnection and How To Overcome Them
In these short videos from the February 2020 Valentine’s Intensive in Malibu, CA, John addresses two common habits we encounter with masculine leadership that often create disconnection — from both the feminine and masculine perspectives.
From the Feminine — I Have a Hard Time Not Taking the Lead
“In so many areas of my life, I like to lead. At the same time, I really love when my masculine partner takes the lead — I think it’s so sexy — and I love to feel safe enough to let go of control and surrender. But I have such a hard time doing it, and I catch myself taking the lead. How can I not do that?”
It’s such a confusing time because women are rewarded in every other aspect of life for taking the lead, except in a polarized intimate and sexual dynamic. Here are three steps to working with this:
The first step is to bring awareness to your pattern.
The second step is to realize the impact on others. One way to do this is to inventory your past relationships and notice for yourself where you took the lead, where you questioned your partner’s leadership, where you told them what to do etc. Then go back and have a conversation with your partner, or ex-partner, to share all of the things you discovered, including what you imagine the deep impact to have been on them. (i.e. “I imagine the impact on you was that you felt castrated, disempowered, horrible, and confused because you knew I wanted you to lead me but I didn’t let you. Maybe you lost sleep. Maybe you felt bad about yourself. Maybe you thought you couldn’t make me happy. Maybe your work suffered...”) The warrior is ruthlessly honest. To change your behavior, you have to feel from a deep level how your behavior is impacting others.
The final step is to work with this in the moment. Here are some practices to get you started: If you catch yourself taking the lead, you can immediately call it out, “I just took the lead again!” You can also practice saying, “I trust you.” Then when your partner leads you well, you can let them know through your own authentic expression how much you love it — maybe you purr, or smile, or clap wildly, or throw your arms around him, or clasp your hands together and say, “My hero!” After the course of a few weeks of this, you will begin to shift that pattern.
From the masculine — I Want to Take the Lead, but What if Things Go Wrong?
“I’m planning a first date and I want to take the lead, but because I barely know the woman, my mind starts to play out all of the worst case scenarios — ‘What if she’s a vegan and I book a steakhouse? What if I choose a restaurant and it’s booked up?’ I become so overwhelmed, I want to say, ‘Fuck it.’”
“What if things go wrong?” This is the expression of the general masculine disdain at chaos. Here are three ways to approach this:
The yogic approach is always a relaxation. We’re going to tense and then we have to remember to relax in the midst of chaos. The shift happens when you don’t make decisions from the tension, but you find the still, full place within you, and allow something to emerge from there. From here, the next right action will just emerge.
The second approach is to fully commit to the Masculine Responsibility, which is: Prepare. For example, you could spend 5-10 minutes after your morning meditation or morning coffee and see what restaurants are good. Or maybe you reach out to her and ask her about her dietary restrictions and what her favorite foods are. Maybe you plan for two restaurants in case you need a back-up in a pinch. Your preparation is an act of love and devotion. Your date is trusting you to lead the whole experience, which is a beautiful thing, so your willingness to take 5-10 minutes to do some research is an act of devotion. In a long term relationship, this might look like preparing your bedroom with candles and music before you make love.
The third approach is to embrace your negative mind. This part of you that asks, “What could go wrong?” is an important part of your psyche. It’s a great gift if you cultivate it because it will show you all of the places where the container could be “leaky.” Honoring it brings masculine clarity and good leadership.